March is the time when we celebrate Doctors’ Day. What better way to celebrate that than with a few good jokes? Some are great one-liners, some help you make fun of yourself, and some are just irreverent. That’s necessary actually, because without some self-deprecating or gallows humor, how would you ever get through the life-and-death nature of your everyday work? Here they are, for better or for worse; feel free to memorize them and spit them out to your colleagues at the most inopportune moment!
One (or 2) Liners
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.
Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Doctor: I’ve got very bad news – you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.
Patient: Well, at least I don’t have cancer.
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he is ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.
“Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.
“10…” says the doctor.
“10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.
Making Fun of Yourself
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. Once they finish, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”.
She confirms and asks how he knew.
“Easy, you’re always washing your hands.”
She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.”
Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?”
Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing.”
But really, they need me:
Dad’s pager beeped, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him—lights flashing, siren blaring. So Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call.
Within seconds came the policeman’s response: a pair of handcuffs flapping outside the police car window.
You might be an E.R. doctor if…
- Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
- You think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
- You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
- You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
- You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say “I have no idea how that got stuck in there”.
- Your most common assessment question is “what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?
For the Love of Lists
Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery:
- Has anyone seen my watch?
- That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.
- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Well, this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual?
- Ok, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- Damn, there go the lights again…
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Funny Doctors’ Notes (These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS (National Health Service) Greater Glasgow, Scotland)
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day, it disappeared.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
- While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
“And then he said…”
Comments purportedly made by patients to physicians during their procedures.
- “Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
- “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
- “Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”
My friend and his rock band were playing a concert at the psychiatric hospital where he worked as a musical therapist. The audience was a little too quiet for his taste, so the guitarist decided to do something about it. He grabbed the microphone, pointed to the group and yelled, “Are you ready to get a little crazy?”
A patient at my daughter’s medical clinic filled out a form. After Name and Address, the next question was “Nearest Relative.” She wrote “Walking distance.”
What you wish you could say….
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”
St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
Happy Doctors’ Day!